I want to feel the pain of giving birth!

I don't know why. I don't necessarily want to put it on my bucket list, because if I go ahead and wimp out on it this time, I don't want to have to have another baby JUST to fulfill my bucket list. But then I am tempted to put it on my bucket list so that the epidural is not an option this time!

I wanted to go drug free last time as well, but it ended the same way breastfeeding did. I didn't really inform myself, assumed I would just do it, then in the midst of it realized I had no idea what was happening and the stress was too much for me to continue. Well I've been talking to a lot of women about it lately, and apparently I made it through enough last time that if I had just taken the pain a LITTLE longer it would have been smooth sailing and I could have called myself a success. I know I was at LEAST 7 cm dilated before I got my epidural with Violet. And considering I was having 6 minute long contractions with 30 second breaks (they were never regular), how much worse could transition have been?! Worse probably, but I think I could have done it.

I was just too scared last time. What if I pass out from the pain and miss the birth? What if I hit my head on something on the way down and die and never get to physically see my baby? What if I land belly down and force the baby out so fast that it COMPLETELY blows my junk apart?

This time I know what that pain feels like. Unfortunately, I remember! Apparently I had it worse than normal also, because tricky little Violet was posterior, which can cause labor to drag out, and makes actual birthing a little more difficult. So if I have a cooperative baby this time, I got it in the bag! I KNOW I can handle really hard contractions for a really long time, so I just have to do that again, and then I don't have a choice but to push the baby out (which is actually the part that scares me the most).

So, I intend to have an epidural but I'm open to drug-free birth again this time. Right now, I'm just open to it. After reading some books and stuff, I hope to switch my intent to going drug-free. I hope to NOT be open to an epidural! I will do this!